time and tide and blah

Let's try a serious, contemplative post (yeah right! as if this blog has been a slice of sunshine and humour before this. or alive) If the ending of a seriously complicated, mostly not-working relationship can cause this much damage, how do people who were previously in blissful, fulfilling relationships ever manage to go around in one piece if it ends? Admittedly I'm finding the going hard because of lack of sufficient support (Can't confide in family, best friends a long distance off, present company of no use). Even apart from the issue of support, how do you fill the yawning hole in you that just won't be filled by food/fun/friends/work?




You know how time changes you? It brings about acceptance (if you're not foolish enough to hang on), it brings about resignation. "Yeah, life sucks, it feels empty, nothing works, you're sad, but that's how it's gonna be for a while. But get through it", it says. Only about every couple of weeks I come back to square one (restlessness, depression, desperation - played out ad nauseum). And have to start all over again.



There's a lingering sadness when you realize that it can never be what it once was, that it has all changed irrevocably. No matter how problematic it was, it was once your dream, your life, your everything. Loss of faith in something you belived in makes you unbelievably cynical.

Random.......... randommmmmmmmmm.......

So, it's September. Another month, another week, another day. Nothing changes. India won a match or 3, lost the series though.
Is this what they mean when they say life goes on? The days going by is life going on? I love that Scrubs is on everyday now. And also that X files is back on air.
I feel like astrological predictions totally mock me and my life. Gimme realistic previews, you morons!
God, I hate the smug, know-it-all types. Especially, when they are full of shit. Oh, that unbearable smugness while airing views on things they know nothing about! And what's up with people becoming less mature, the older they get? Yeah, my present company sucks. I sound just like them now. Immature and dumb.
God, if you were planning to show me some special attention (of the good kind), now would be the time. Truly.

Tagged...

Tagged by Serendipity to list 8 things abt myself. This tag is such an excuse to go on an ego trip! Well not really.

1) I am restless. Very restless. I feel like a loser if I do anything for more than an hour. Except lazing around doing nothing. Like when I used to work, I'd constantly think of what a loser I was to be working all day (could also be because I hated IT) Paradoxical but its true. Guess I'm just a bag of lazy bones that can't do anything useful for long.

2) I love reading. I do. But I feel like I'm wasting my life when I read bad fiction. I no longer have the temperament to read stuff like Irving Wallace. I feel a little sad and old about that.

3) I have very little confidence in myself or my abilities. It's an ongoing problem. I can usually do most things I'm supposed to be doing, well but I never think I can. I need someone around to tell me that I can. Now that taht someone's gone.............

4) I thought it was uncool, weak and against feminism to think being with someone is more fulfilling than being alone until I got into a relationship. Its end shows me what emptiness is. Truly. I can now say without gagging that it is possible for all the meaning in your life to depend on someone else. Not smart, but that's how it goes.

5) I'm moody. I can also be incredibly kiddish sometimes. People who don't know me well are very surprised when that happens and look at me strangely. Btw I'm totally hyper when I feel kiddish. Unfortunately, I don't think anyone finds it cute or precious :(

6) I read the newspaper from the last page to the first. I feel there's more suspense that way.

7) I watch a lot of shows on TV.

8) I admire women who have the courage to break barriers even in the smallest ways. Women are the toughest people on the planet. But they can truly be their own enemies sometimes ( this bit I'm learning as I grow older and witness bitchiness that I never did when I was in much more liberal company in school and college)


Since I'm paranoid about keeping myself anonymous (not even my friends know of this blog) and haven't made the rounds of the blog world yet, I tag whoever reads this (yes, you accidental visitor!) and wants to take it up. And thanks Serendipity! I feel part of the blog world now :)

I want to believe……..

In karma. In love. I really dig the concept of karma. As long as the definition is, “what goes around comes around IN THIS LIFE”. I don’t know about rebirth but it seems really unfair if we have to pay for stuff we did in some previous avtar that we can’t do anything about now. It is however, reassuring to know that if someone screws me, they will get screwed eventually. All I ask is for it to happen soon, benefit me (justice served, yeah!) and be of the same degree.

Lately though ( ah! growing up) I’ve lost sight of karma. I’ve been waiting for it to kick in and do its stuff. But nada……. This got me thinking about what I’d done to offend karma. After some deliberation and after calls to potentially offended by me people (turned out they were fine! And getting married! ), I’ve come to the conclusion, karma only applies to people who have an active conscience. It is what you make of it and what your attitude towards life is. Some people don’t have a developed sense of guilt or are unabashed about putting their welfare first (Most people do in the broadest sense). Karma is not going to frighten this breed into doing right. So while karma will screw me if I were to put a toe outa line, it’s not gonna do anything to others who are ok with stepping over people. Where’s the comfort?

Brrrrrrrr Somberrrrrrrr

Ok ok, enough with the somber posts. Today is a rare up day. Have my books and movies around me to keep my thoughts from needlessly wandering to where they will regret going to. Life ought to get real busy in a week and as much as I desperately wanted to enjoy this break, it's turned out to be disastrous. I'm happy the break is ending, though considering the amount of work there is to be done, it scares me: how to get into that frame of mind where i give a damn abt things that need to be done. I better start caring by tomorrow or there's gonna be hell to pay.

Today's agenda: Syriana, Casino Royale, meet up with friend who flies off tomorrow to the very cliched land of the free and home of the brave.

Dreams

I wasn't exactly an adventurous or outdoorsy kid and my favourite passtime was day dreaming. I'd dream up stories anytime I had nothing to do at home and all the time when in class. I even rememer poor attempts at short story writing where the theme always was a 10 year old girl getting lost in a jungle, being scared shitless, learning to fight animals and survive and ended with her finding a tar road and flagging down a vehicle. My heroine's name was always Anjali. As I grew older, my day dreams got more romantic. I'd have a few favourite scenarios which I'd repeat over and over with different heroes (real innocent stuff, mind u! girls don't find dirty dreams that involving) while nodding at my Physics teacher. My college day dreams were altogether more based on reality and what my immediate future might hold, but I never forgot those cherished dreams which i believed would come true once I met the right guy. Probably the influence of many idealistic romances in classics. Reality taught me some lessons though. When I was in my first and only serious relationship, I thought time would make my dreams come true. It didn't. Nowadays, I'm afraid of dreams. I find them painful. They are so dear to me and to have them all crushed hurts. I don't dream good ones anymore. It's been a rough couple of months with no end to the misery in sight. I find it terrible ironic that lately, most of my nightmares have come true, but none of my dreams ever have.

Me!

I'm a pessimist. Optimism doesn't work for me. I've tried positive thinking. Nope. Things turn out especially bad if I think positive. Probably because I'm ill equipped to handle them having thought positively. At least you anticipate a bad turn when you are pessimistic. So pessimism has its pluses. And one huge con. It makes you lose confidence in yourself. Combine that with a heavy dose of insecurity. Makes for a basketcase. That's me! Doubting myself at every step of the way, scared about the consequences of my actions, fearing what lies ahead, unable to believe in myself even if I am capable. I'm guessing reader, that you wouldn't want to be me for a thousand bucks. Or a crore.

Apparently, this combination of insecurity, social ineptness (can't make small talk if my life depended on it) and a strong apprehension of amounting to nothing gives me a veneer of arrogance! This veneer breaks mostly after a few minutes of talking to me, cos it's easy enough to see through it. Which makes me a misunderstood person..............mostly.